Sunday, June 28, 2009

Emotions

Emotions

What is it about diabetes that gives it the ability to play with our emotions so well? Recently, I found myself in a situation, which gave me an opportunity to help a very close friend of mine. Within a 24-hour period, I found myself going from feeling elated, grateful, and awestruck to feeling like a complete and utter failure. I felt all the former things from simply having been given an opportunity to try and help, and then felt even more of the same after finding a way to actually make it happen. All of my BG tests during this timeframe were pretty much in what I would consider a normal range for me, which would be anywhere from 100 to 150.

On the other hand, about three hours ago, I came home after having run some errands. I exercised for a short while, and then took a restroom break. My brain must've been in slow motion, because it seemed like it took a long time to register that the thing hanging down by my foot was the obviously less than durable medical device formally attached to my thigh. I immediately reached for my meter, did a quick test, and upon seeing a most less than awesome 320,000 (it might just as well have been, from the way it made me feel), [okay it was more like 320] I immediately began to feel a rage welling up inside. For those of you that know me even a little bit, you know that this is not normal Tim territory. I tend to stay fairly even most of the time. “cha mon man! Not now!” All I knew was that I didn’t want to deal with this at that particular moment (can you say NEVER!?!?), nor did I want to have any memory of it later. Where’s my brain bleach anyway?

Image can be found at:

What is it about diabetes that gives it the ability to mess with my mind so easily, especially when I am high or experiencing a low? And the larger question for me is, knowing that it can and does mess with me if I let it, what can I do about that? I may never know the answer to the first question, and I'm okay with that. As to what I can do, and what I often end up doing, is sharing those emotions and feelings with people I care about, people that care about me, and people that understand because they have been there. Some of those people are in my family. They love me, and I love them. They care about me. I care about them. It works. I tell them how I feel, physically, mentally, and diabetically (btw, if I just made up a word, I SO own it, but hereby officially give it to the DOC) but the ability of my family to completely and totally understand is a bit limited, because try as they might, which they do, they haven't been inside of my head, my body, my emotions, etc.

So in addition to my family, it is usually during these times that I am drawn to run to the DOC. Sometimes I post, but often during these times of highs or lows I simply read some of the twitter posts or a blog without commenting. I will sometimes withhold comment simply out of fear that what will come out will not be interpreted as I meant it because of what the high or the low is doing to me. Other times I withhold comment because I know that it WILL be interpreted exactly as I meant it, and because of the altered state my brain is in during those moments what I might say and even think is 180° the opposite of what I would ever say or even think when my numbers are in the normal range. The point here is that simply being around those that I know will understand helps. Because they've been there. Because they are there. And until the day the cure comes for all of us, unfortunately we will all continue to be there. But the absolutely cool thing is we are all there.

Together. Listening. Learning. Challenging and encouraging each other. Leaning on each other. Standing back-to-back, swords drawn, ready to slay the lame poser of a sucky dragon called diabetes. How cool is that? Not only is it wicked sweet, it’s approaching dope/badass territory. Just sayin’. And oh yeah, thanks DOC. I owe you big. And just know, when and if you need, I got your six. citas: mamacitas

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Fail

How many times have you . . .
Gone for a checkup, hoping for a good A1c test, and come away disappointed, discouraged, and basically feeling like, "Why bother"?

How many times have you . . .
Miscounted the carbs in a meal, only to be shocked when your meter shows you to be at a toasty 307?

How many times have you . . .
Forgotten to bolus altogether before eating, and then remembered when you were not in a position to do anything about it?

How many times have you . . .
Found yourself startled from your sleep, only to find yourself covered in sweat, your heart pounding, your ears ringing, barely able to think straight? Simply because you took too much insulin, or you didn't eat enough. And then found yourself 'panic-eating' yourself to a rebound that would make the NBA interested in your technique?

How many times have you . . .
Left the house without your supplies?
Or been tempted by that all too familiar 'starchy-off the glycemic-index chart' munchy thing . . . and given in?
Or found yourself too exhausted to exercise, or too tired to participate in an activity, only to feel like a failure?
Or [insert your own life-scenario here]

How many times? Like a failure?

You, my friend, are SO NOT a failure! Let me say that again. You DID NOT FAIL! You are human. It happens.


Years ago, when I was just starting college, one day my mom sent me a newspaper clipping. Of the many, many things my mom did that I can now look back on and say, "Wow, I'm SO glad she did that", this was one of them. Basically here is what it said.

Everyday, you are gonna get up, and no matter what you do, stuff is gonna happen to you. Some of it may be good, some of it may even be great, and some of it may fall into that category I call 'major suckage'. What determines which category it falls into? You do.

What I am saying is that you, and you alone are going to be the one who ultimately decides how you are going to view all of the things that will happen to you during your day.

You, and you alone.

Oh, other people will try to tell you how you should feel, and even how you should act and react to all of these things. But ultimately, it's up to you. It's that inner voice we all hear in our head all day long. Not voices, that's quite another thing. Me? I talk to all of those voices, all day long. :-)


What I'm talking about here is your own self dialoging. And my thought is this; if ultimately, you are the only one who can decide how you feel about something, that also means that you are also the only one who can and will ultimately decide if whatever your inner voice is talking to you about is a failure or not! It's all about attitude! In addition to that, here is what it's not about; it's not about the attitude, the words, the feelings, and the 'well-meaning but often SO misguided' statements of those around us. And . . . sometimes that even means those who care about us the most. Because try as they might, they most likely haven't been where you are. Don't get me wrong, that's not a bad thing. One of my friends says it this way, "It is what it is". And in this case, what is, is that it's what you think, and what you feel about 'the stuff' that matters.

So . . . what is your inner voice telling you? Because it's talking to you. ALL DAY LONG. What is it saying? I believe it's all about attitude. I mentioned in my last post that I tend to see things from a fairly optimistic point of view. And my attitude? I try my best to see all of the 'junk' as things I hope to improve on; IF, and only if it's something that I can control to any significant amount. You see, most of the time the way I see many of the things that "didn't work out as I may have hoped for the first time" as an opportunity. Sometimes it's an opportunity for growth. Sometimes for a do-over. And sometimes, simply as a life lesson of something to avoid. But as a diabetic, I DO NOT see any of the above-mentioned things by themselves as failures. It's simply part of the package. The package of being human. And of being a person with diabetes.

There are some things that I do consider to be things that I can and do fail at. No need to spell them out here. Just know that I, like you, do fail. It happens. We're human.


I think it bears repeating, I do not see any of the above-mentioned items all by itself as a failure. But taken as a whole, collectively, they do add up to give me an indication of where I am at any given moment in my D-Life. And regarding my D-Life as a whole, Failure is SO NOT An Option! BUT, what does it mean to fail in the life of a diabetic? And WHO is the one that gets to consider ANYTHING that we go through other than US a failure?

YOU are the only one that gets to decide that. You. And you ALONE!
Not the Dr.
Not the Nurse
Not the "You can't eat that" 'food police'
Not the 'bolus checker'
Not the non-D friend.
And . . . not even the D-friend. And certainly not me. OK, I think I've hammered that point quite enough.

:::stepping off of the soap box:::

You guys still here? Great! Thanks for hangin'. I promise I'm really about to make my point.

:::takes a deep breath:::

So now that you have somewhat of an understanding of my view of the word 'fail', I can ask this question. What are you going to do if you fall? What are you going to do if you fall/fail more than once? How about 3 times? How about 5? Or 10, or . . . even 100 times?

Ultimately,
true failure for me is SO NOT an option. You see, for me, falling is not the failure. For me, not trying is the failure. So for me, I keep going. I try again, and then I TRY AGAIN! Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. If it doesn't, I may get a bit discouraged. It's in those instances, with the help of my family and friends, I deal with that, and then, I try again. Over and over and over and over and over . . . You see, even if I never, ever make it, it won't matter. For me, what matters is to keep going, and to NEVER, EVER stop trying. Because it's only with 'the trying' that success has a chance of becoming reality. In most things in life, I'm pretty realistic. (OK, all of you who just said "No you're not", you be quiet! This is my blog. You go commentate on your own blog)

Hmmm. OK, maybe they were right. Maybe I am dreaming here. But my ultimate point is this. I do not have a choice. I did not choose to be a diabetic. BUT, I AM CHOOSING TO LIVE! And I am going to live the D-Life the best I can, which for me means a 'full steam ahead' 'pedal to the metal' 'dam the torpedoes' "warp 10 Mr Scott" kind of attitude! You see, my pancreas stopped working, not my brain, and most certainly not my 'spiritual' heart! Until the day my physical heart joins my pancreas and God calls me home, I WILL keep trying!

:::climbing down off the tower:::

Sorry, I get excited. And when I do, sometimes this stuff just comes rushing out. It's part of the 'tude. When that happens, I've learned to just get out of the way, and let the 'tude say whatever it's gonna say. I find that I usually agree with it. And when I don't?

Not pretty.

:::shaking head:::

Not pretty at all. :-)

OK, enough silliness.

I am not saying that this is what you should do. I only offer it as an example of what I try to do. And I offer it in an effort to be an encouragement.

All over the planet, right now, D's are finding themselves dealing with "the stuff'. The 'baggage'. And 'the voice'.


What is your voice saying to you? And what is your 'tude?

Watch this video, and I think you will be moved. And in a good way. All I can say is I was, and am, humbled. And encouraged!

tMac



I think we can all learn something from Nick Vujicic. Nick was born without arms or legs. On top of that, no Dr. has been able to provide a medical reason for his condition. Faced with countless challenges and obstacles, he has found the strength to surmount what others might call impossible. Along with that, he has an unquenchable passion to share that with people all over the planet.

If you want to now more about him, you can find it here.